i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
