wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
