I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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