Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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