Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
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maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
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