3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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