Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
