I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
