My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
