He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
