I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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