I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
