i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
