i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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