why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
