Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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