who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis needs a shock collar
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize