please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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