Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
