your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
