I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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