I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
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I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
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I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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