Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
