I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
