I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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