Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
