either way he was missing a nipple.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
