Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
