she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
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I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
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You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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