I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
