Too much gin, very little bucket
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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