I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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