My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
