im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
