I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
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We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize