My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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