My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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