No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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