Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
