Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
