when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
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I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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