Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
