if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize