remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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