Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
