Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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