I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Randomize
