loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
