I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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