How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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