Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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