Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
