I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
