I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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