just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
