May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm always down for nudity.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
