he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
