then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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