Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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