I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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