I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
